Please scroll down for the quotes.

Jokes…

People in a village near us have found many insects laying on their backs in the High Street.
Police are looking for a gang of fly tippers.

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 I walked past my local pub today and saw three men dressed in armour on horseback outside. They were all carrying sketch pads and pencils.
I asked the landlord what was going on.
He said that since the summer solstice, the Knights had been drawing Inn.

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I went to school a long time ago. We had just moved on from slates to paper. I felt  I was discriminated against as I always had to ask if I could use the left-handed ink.

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I had a friend who took two aspirins before he killed someone – the police arrested him for premedicated murder.

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As a child I used to like hearing my Gran tell me stories about the olden days when she was a child. They used to cut each other’s flowing locks and make cloth from them. She still has the family hairloom.

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A mate of mine glided in over the hedge yesterday for a chat. I think he is coming down with Bird Flew.

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There has been a spate of thefts from the McDonald’s cheddar store in the village of Ferret Parva – about one a week in fact.
The police are looking for a regular cheese burglar.

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Many people have a problem deciding the gender of ants. This is how to do it.
Put two ants in a glass of water. One will sink and one will float. The one that sinks is the girl ant and the one that floats is the buoyant.      Simples.

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This horse goes into a pub and asks for a drink. The barman serves it and asks, ‘why the long face?’  and then says,’ we’ve got a whisky behind the bar named after you.’
‘Colin? asks the horse.

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A cow in a field wanders over to another one and says, ‘Moo.’
‘I knew you’d say that,’ said the first one
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A cow in a field wanders over to another one and says, ‘Baaa’
‘You sound a bit sheepish,’ said the first one.
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A cow in a field wanders over to another one and says, ‘Woof’
‘You’re barking at the wrong bovine,’ said the first one.
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A cow in a field wanders over to another one and says, ‘Duck’
‘I can’t see anyth…’, said the first one.
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We went on holiday last year with a group of dentists, on a narrow boat, on a root canal.

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When I worked as a steel erector, I had to tighten the bolts to a different tension depending on the load they were carrying. This set the bolts against each other – some of them are still not torquing to the others.

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There is quite a lot of discussion about stereotyping in advertising recently. Yesterday I saw an advert for a HiFi system with two loud speakers – disgusting.

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The baker said,’ my cakes are all £1.00 each except for those on the top shelf – those are all £2.00 each.’
‘Why’s that?’ I asked.
‘Those are madeira ones.’

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All the health nazis say that you should eat a varied diet but I never eat beech, sycamore, oak or ash.
I’m treetotal.

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The wanted the space in Vienna for a new car park so they had to exhume Mozart.
They opened the coffin and there was Wolfie, sat up and crossing off each note on musical manuscripts.
‘Vot are you doing, Herr Mozart?’ ( Best in an Austrian accent ) asked one of the grave diggers.
‘Decomposing,’ said the great man.

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Two tourists with a guide on Safari in Tsavo Game reserve, watched a huge herd of gazelles thunder by. The traffic dwindled to a few so one of the tourists asked the guide,’ why are there only a few now?’
‘That’s the end of the gnu’s,’ said the guide.

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How do you tell the difference between a beaver and an otter?
A beaver cuts down and eats Beech, Oak, Ash and Japanese Maple whereas the otter is tree total.

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I saw the elephant in the room at the same time as the music inspector. He thought it was dangerous so he grabbed an old gun from the corner and shot it with Pachyderm’s Cannon.

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I once had a business selling left handed ink but I had to close down when the customers kept returning the ink saying that there was something not quite right about it.

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First man, ‘Have you heard that Ken Dodds’ Dad’s daft, deaf dog Digger died?’
Second man, ‘No, but that’s easy for you to say.’
First man, ‘ Well you try it then.’

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A guy told me that a lot of people were falling in rivers and drowning.
I told him I didn’t believe him.
He told me that I was in denial.
I said that he was insane.

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Why is Benoit B Mandelbrot never alone?

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soMy cat was looking a bit poorly is I took her to see that nice Mr Schrödinger at the Vet’s. After a while he came to see me.
‘How is my cat? I asked?
‘I have some good news and some bad news’, said Erwin.

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There has been a change in the rules for the 2017 Iron Man competition.
Steam irons may now be used.

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Can anyone confirm that Noah’s wife, Joan, was French?

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The Coroner’s report said that the woman died of an overdose. She forgot to take her daily homeopathy remedy.
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I’m thinking of entering the 2018 Ironman Championships but I’ve heard that they have changed the rules. Is it true that you can now use a steam iron?
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Have you heard the adverts from the Met. office on the radio where they’ve “Been providing accurate weather forecasts for 150 years.”
I called them up and asked for a forecast for August 2167.
They refused, so I reported their advert to the ASA, Advertising Stands Authority for inaccuracy.

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The famous writer presented his agent with a parcel at Christmas. The agent opened it and found a copy of the Oxford paperback Dictionary and Thesaurus.
‘What’s this? he asked.
‘It’s a copy of everything I have ever written, it’s my life’s work.’
‘How can it be? asked the agent, ‘it’s a dictionary.’
‘Exactly,’ said the author. ‘It contains every word I have ever written, some more than once. They may not be in the correct order…’

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A  Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman were in a bar…

The Scotsman said, My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so I called him Andrew.’

The Englishman said, ‘My son was born on St George’s Day so I called him George.

They turned to look at the Irishman who said, My son Pancake…’

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I’m going to the pet shop today to order my dog’s Christmas present. You might thing it’s a little early, but they do have long lead times.

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I’ve started my new career today. It’s a business designing bakeries. It’s quite easy really, just flour arranging.

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Quotes…

 

Reality is only for those with no imagination.

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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe” – Albert Einstein

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The plural of anecdote is not data.

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Stupidity has no limit, no race, no color, no religion (because it is found in all religions)

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An Arts degree shows you meaning, where there is none. And believe me, there is none.

Tim Minchin 2013

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Two passengers sat side by side waiting for take off.
‘Are you anxious?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is this your first time?’
‘No, I’ve been anxious many times.’

Film, ‘Airplane.’

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A few words from the Buddha

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the common good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

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The past is history, the future is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.          Ronnie

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Only where you were on foot, have you ever truly been.                 Goethe

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Take time while time is, for the time it will away     –     Old Scottish proverb.

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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe” – Albert Einstein

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Don’t count your years, live them.

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You have to let go of the person you are before you can become the person you want be.

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Don’t eat soup in the rain, it takes too long.

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Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

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A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work

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The reality we see is not the reality that exists.

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Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won ‘t come to yours.

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“Everybody needs their mummy there for their birthday” My granddaughter (5) yesterday when trying to persuade my wife to travel to see our son on his birthday.

 

 

 

    Eorðdraca

My Kindle books are on Amazon – Here

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